


Loki Works At Walmart

by SaltnBurnIt



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, all this is is crack, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 13:25:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1689926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltnBurnIt/pseuds/SaltnBurnIt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As punishment for his crimes against Midgard, Loki is forced to work at Walmart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loki Works At Walmart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gypsywriter135](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gypsywriter135/gifts).



Oh how he loathed Midgard. He had no idea what he did to deserve this particular punishment. Well… He did try to take over the world and cause mass chaos but why oh why did the All-Father have to assign him to this task in order to serve out his sentence?

Scowling and straightening out his uniform vest, he glared at the building that tortured him from 9 – 5 five days a week. He thanked the norns that he got two days off a week to save himself from going on another mass murdering spree. Then again, with having his magic blocked he’d have to put forth more of an effort to kill people. Itching at the sigils etched into his arm that put a stopper on his magic, he slowly inched to the entrance trying to delay the inevitable.

Walking through the automatic doors, the elderly greeter waved and happily exclaimed, “Good morning, Loki!”

Ignoring the human, Loki went to clock in and grab his till so he could start his seemingly never-ending shift. Once he placed his till in the register, he sighed and flipped on the light signaling that his register was now officially open. Here goes the next eight hours of his life…

**Hour 1**

The loud beeping of the register scanning items was like a dull roar in his ears an hour into his shift. Grabbing yet another box of, well look at that, extra small condoms, he peeked up at the man purchasing said items. Huge, in both height and width, the greasy balding man peered at him with dark beady eyes whilst smacking his lips after popping his bubble gum. Noticing Loki glancing at him, he gave him a rather obvious wink, causing Loki’s stomach to turn and needing to force down vomit. Bagging the last box of many, the fallen god accepted the cash handed to him and wished for the man to escape his general vicinity so he wouldn’t be so nauseous. Glancing at the next person in line, he sighed and then looked at the time on the screen of his register. How does time drag on so slow?

**Hour 2**

Glaring at the cover of the book he was about to scan, he scoffed at the title. _Fifty Shades of Grey_. Yet another lonely housewife that wanted to spice up her dying sex life with her husband who was progressively getting more unattractive as the years went on. A husband who was also possibly having an affair with his much younger, blonde, and busty secretary which Loki could tell just based off a single look from his customer. Her nasally voice cut through his thoughts, forcing him to keep scanning her other various items.

“So my girlfriends told my about this amazing book and how amazing their love lives became after they tried a few things from the book. They told me Christian Grey is absolutely dreamy and they would totally sleep with him if he were real. They just want their guys to treat them like Grey treats the main character, Anastasia. Is that too much to ask for?”

Feeling her gaze upon him, Loki resigned himself to actually interacting with someone. He tried to not talk at all during his shift, especially around women. Apparently his foreign accent was an immense turn on for Americans.

“From what I’ve heard about this story, it’s written by an insanely horny woman for other insanely horny women who wish their lovers would treat them with the same disrespect as the lead male character does with the lead female. It’s all rather depressing, really,” Loki grumbled, upset with himself for actually responding to her question.

Obviously offended that the cashier had the audacity to say that to her, the woman grabbed her bags and left, thankfully having already swiped her debit card whilst checking out.

Thankful that the desperate woman didn’t stay any longer than needed, Loki braced himself for yet more customers to come through his register.

**Hour 3**

“Your name isn’t really Loki…is it?” A gangly teen asked him.

Glancing at his nametag which indeed said “Hello, my name is Loki,” Loki just raised his eyebrow at the youth that was only purchasing several cases of Mountain Dew, most likely for a gaming marathon with him and his other acne ridden friends.

The young man snorted, obviously amused that his cashier actually was named Loki. “So… does that mean that you fucked a horse?”

Nostrils flaring and eyes glaring, the elder of the two had to restrain himself from throttling the teenager in front of him. His children and how they came to be was always a sensitive subject to him. Instead of punching the kid’s face in, Loki regained his composure and smirked.

“At least I’ve gotten laid. Several times in fact, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

The pockmarked teen looked like he’d been punched in the gut then changed his expression to one of embarrassment. He quickly paid and left with a sheepish look on his face.

**Hour 4 - Lunch**

Turning his light off and grabbing his till, Loki breathed a sigh of relief. He always looked forward to his lunch break. After dropping off his till, he walked towards the staff lounge, grabbing his book and bagged lunch. Sitting in the most hidden corner furthest from the door, he opened the book and started to eat his Greek salad. Sadly, his blissful isolation didn’t last very long due to other employees taking their lunch break as well. Slamming the door open, five other people enter the lounge, talking, or should I say, shouting, about the latest trashy “reality” show that they were all obsessing over.

Trying to hide even more in the shadows, Loki shoved his nose into his book as far as he could while still being able to read the words on the page. Alas, his coworkers noticed his presence and tried to converse with him.

“Hey Lokes, watcha reading?” One of the men asked, trying to get a glimpse of the cover.

Still attempting to ignore everyone in the room, Loki continued to read.

The other male coworker got into Loki’s space in order to read the title of the book. “What the hell language is this in? Chinese?”

Glaring at the man still in his personal bubble, Loki responded, “Norwegian actually. You weren’t even close, Carl.”

All three female coworkers in the room swooned as the mythical being talked, causing Loki to roll his eyes in an undignified fashion. Humans…

Feeling jealous of the new guy that was seducing all the women in the store, Carl huffed to himself and puffed up to try to make himself look larger and more intimidating. Loki just kept reading and pointedly took a bite of his almost finished salad, ignoring the animalistic way the man was handling the fact that every woman in the building was more attracted to the Norse God than a rather average looking human who was prematurely balding.

“I don’t care if you happen to be a God from Norwegia or whatever but you don’t have a right to make me look stupid, especially in front of my friends,” Carl stated, offended that Loki wasn’t intimidated by his manly display of manliness.

Licking his finger and turning the page, Loki didn’t even bother to take his gaze off the text when he responded with, “I’m a Norse God who was born in Jotunheim and raised in Asgard. I’ve never actually been to a place called Norwegia unless you were actually talking about Norway instead, then I have been there but am not from there originally.” Having enough interactions with his coworkers, Loki packed away his lunch, put a bookmark in his book, and made his way to his old, clunky Honda Civic, (which was graciously given to him from Stark. …Asshole), to hide in for the remainder of his break.

**Hour 5**

Ringing up the case of Miller Light, Loki held out his hand for the needed identification to purchase the beverage. Looking at the young girl, he could already tell she was underage. 19 years old at most. On Asgard, drinking alcohol didn’t have an age limit but Midgard was a strange place indeed, America being one of the strangest places in the realm. If he broke any laws, even one as insignificant as this, Heimdall would inform Odin and he’d be brought back to Asgard for an even worse punishment. Because of this, he was forced to not sell alcohol to minors and was therefore standing with his hand out for her I.D. With her eyes going side to side as she tried to be sneaky, she handed him her sadly obviously fake driver’s license.

Loki sighed, “Is this really the best fake I.D. you could get your hands on?”

Chuckling nervously, the supposed 38 year old Delores stuttered, “W-what do you mean fake?”

“What year did you graduate high school?” Loki smoothly asked.

Taken by surprise, the girl paused, trying to quickly do math. “Uhhhh… 2000?”

“Oh so you graduated at the tender age of 24? I think not. I’d recommend a better fake I.D. if you want to try this again. Leave before I call the proper authorities.”

The girl skulked away, stomping her glittery flats as she walked out the automatic doors.

**Hour 6**

After ringing up quite a large amount of items for yet another middle aged woman, Loki waited for the customer to dig out her credit card from her very large cheetah print purse. After eventually finding one, she swiped it only to have to be declined.

“Oh dear,” she muttered, trying to swipe it again. After it being declined yet again, she dug through her purse again. Loki had to use all his willpower not to sigh in annoyance. How many credit cards does one person need? Grabbing another card, she swiped it. Surprise, surprise it’s declined.

Embarrassed, the woman let out a high pitch giggle and opened up her purse onto the conveyor to dump out its contents. Over a dozen credit cards poured out among the chaos that included several makeup cases, dozens of tampons and pads (that he really didn’t need to see), and some small pieces of candy. Grabbing as many of the plastic cards as she could, she just started swiping every last one, hoping against all hope that one wouldn’t be declined. Loki just gave up and plopped his head onto the register in defeat.

**Hour 7**

Wincing at the shrill screams assaulting his sensitive ears, Loki glared at the family at his register. The mother was loudly conversing on the phone while plopping her items onto the conveyor whilst her five small children were running amok in his aisle. They would occasionally put their grubby little hands all over the many candy bars or try to rip out some pages of the various tabloids in the checkout line. One tripped and fell, scraping his knee. The child started the wail, more out of surprise than actual pain, prompting the other four to tease him for being a baby.

The mother pulled the phone away from her face just long enough to shout, “Shut the hell up, mom’s on the phone!”

Raising his eyebrows at the parenting skills of Midgardians, Loki silently scanned the items and wished for them to leave as fast as they could.

One of the girls was in front of the cart when her mother pushed it, causing it to hit her ankles painfully. Falling to the hard floor, she cried out loudly.

“Get out of the way, Anna,” her mother scolded her while bodily moving her out of the cart’s path.

Scanning the last item and bagging it, Loki thanked the norns that the family would be leaving soon and therefore saving his hearing.

While still talking on the phone, the woman swiped her card, put her bags into her cart and left with her children running after her in a tiny, annoying mob.

**Hour 8**

Finally his shift was at its end. All he had to do was accept the elderly woman’s payment and be on his merry way. Problem was that she decided to pay her total of $53.68 entirely with pocket change. Tapping his fingertips in a random rhythm out of sheer boredom and impatience, Loki waited…and waited…and waited.

The tiny old lady finally counted out her change and handed it to him before taking a good look at his face… and his entire body apparently due to the fact that her eyes went up and down his body in an appreciative gaze.

Suppressing a disgusted shiver, Loki handed the woman her receipt before grabbing his till and clocking out.

While walking out to his rust bucket of a car, Loki felt like he was being watched. Stopping and looking around, he found the source of this feeling. Over in the handicapped parking area was the grandma that he had just finished ringing up items for. Realizing that her staring was noticed, she licked her lips and winked at him before climbing into her minivan. Oh that’s going to give him even more nightmares…


End file.
